How ‘sexy’ is Versailles?

After all the hand wringing from the British media about Canal Plus’ Versailles being waaaay too sexy (read: bordering-on-porn filthy) and the French being so totally blasé about the whole thing (there was not much from Australia or the rest of Europe about the nekkidness either – Australia were more fixated on the glorious hair 😀 ) , I got to wondering just how sexy Versailles really is.  In historical context, all the smexyness is expected – in fact, the series doesn’t even show half of what it was actually like. Louis loved sex and did it often. And yes, I know it is a drama, not a documentary. And including sex in a drama series is, funnily enough, a way of getting eyeballs on screens and most def. not a new thing.

So I girded my delicate sensibilities, prepared myself against the morally outraged and watched the series (again) to bring you this comprehensive list of all the naughty bits. I did not list the violence, but did mention the overt flirtiness because that in itself can be quite sexy.

Episode 1

• bang, right out of the gate we are shown Louis in a dream state where a young nubile girl gets nekkid with him and squeezes orange juice on his bare chest. There is mucho kissing, plus a topless girl, plus slow-mo girl-on-top sex.
• Bontemps cleans Louis after a wet dream. Louis’ bare stomach is shown.
• Philippe performs oral sex on the Chevalier: Philippe’s bare chest is shown but otherwise no nekkid bits, just head movements, plus the Chevalier’s O face.
• Henriette emerges from the lake, her chemise clinging and pretty much revealing everything. Louis undresses her and sex ensues: kissing, topless Louis, nekkid Henriette with boob shots, plus some romantic thrusting action with Louis on top.
• Implied sex scene with Philippe/the Chevalier: boy-on-boy kissing, seductive undoing of breeches and more kissing in a bed as the Chevalier lays on top of Philippe, still clothed.
• Kissing scene with Louis and Louise in church. Bit of tongue action, plus his hand on her décolletage.
• Brothel scene, with a fews seconds of two pairs of bare boobs, and what appears to be a threesome with the man on top and the two females underneath him together, mostly clothed.
• Forced sex scene between Philippe and Henriette. He kisses her, she struggles but he bends her over the bed, with the camera cutting away from her angry face. No naked flesh.

Episode 2

• the glimpse of a bare breast from a wet nurse
• During a flirty salon scene with Philippe and a mignon, boys kissing can been seen in the background
• Cross dressing scene with Philippe appearing in front of courtiers in make up and a dress
• Sex scene with Louis and Henriette. Passionate kissing, topless Henriette on top of Louis as well as Louis performing oral sex on her against a wall.

Episode 3

• Louis/Henriette sex scene: on a day bed, with Henriette straddling Louis’ lap. Lots of kissing, topless Henriette and coitus motions.
• Louis has a flashback to when he was a boy, and his first sexual encounter with Madame de Beauvais, one of his mother’s friends. She removes her dress and stands fully naked. We see her full frontal and from behind.
• Beatrice de Clermont is dressing Sophie and we see a brief glimpse of Sophie’s nekkid backside, then a shot of her half-covered crotch as Beatrice grabs it to make a point.
• Louis rewards Marie-Therese with sex. They are both fully clothed, and Louis lifts her skirts on the chaise, quick coitus with much rough thrusting and gasping, about a minute long.
• Louis walks in to Prince Annaba’s bedchamber where he is asleep in bed with two women, a lingering shot of their bare entwined limbs and butts is seen.

Episode 4

• post-coital sex scene with Louis/Henriette, with Louis already dressed and Henriette laying naked, stomach down on the bed. We see her butt, a flash of boobs and there is some kissing. Not an actual sex scene.
• Brief boy-boy kissing between the Chevalier and a cellist and the implication of impending oral sex before the cellist gets his throat cut. Not an actual sex scene.
• Verbal flirtation and double entendres between Louis and Montespan.
• Wet Henriette emerging from the lake, with everything from the waist up clearly seen beneath her chemise.

Episode 5

• 13mins in, one interrupted sex scene with Philippe/the Chevalier – boy-on-boy kissing, but not an actual sex scene, just eager removal of coats. Some dirty talk from Philippe to the Chevalier, plus some from Philippe to the maid – “Have you tasted champagne?” – implying oral sex is expected. Doors are shut on the scene.
• 29mins in, one attempted seduction scene with Philippe and Louise, where Philippe has his head briefly between Louise’s legs and a hand on her covered breast. Not an actual sex scene
• Around 38mins in, Philippe lying asleep on a nekkid Henriette’s stomach. With her night dress pushed up to her neck, you see her thigh, stomach and the curve of a side boob.
• Some crude language between Montespan and the Duc de Cassel, at Louis’ grand party, around 42mins in.
• Passionate kisses between Beatrice de Clermont and Marchal in the garden
• Brief kiss between Sophie and Benoit the builder
• Louis and Montespan share a passionate kiss

Episode 6

• about 17 mins in, the Chevalier kisses Philippe, aiming to distract him. Both are fully dressed.
• brief shot inside a tavern, with revelry and flashes of ladies’ legs, men and women lounging about drinking.
• sex scene with Louis and Montespan,  about 26mins in, with an arial shot of the missionary position. Lots of thrusting, sweating and enthusiastic coitus, a topless Montespan and a nekkid Louis butt.
• Brief tavern/brothel scene with Montcourt and three semi-dressed women draped over him as he talks to Cassel.
• Brief kiss between Sophie and Benoit the builder after he sneaks into her window.
• As Beatrice goes in search of poison, we see a few prostitutes lounging about in the alleyway, flashing a bare leg or two.
• Sex scene with Fabien/Beatrice. Bit of risqué banter, Fabien lifts up her skirts, she slaps him and licks his face, then straddles him on a chair. There is coitus on a table with half-dressed thrusting while unbeknownst to them, his trusty servant Lauren watches in the shadows.
• Louis walks in on a sleeping Philippe and the Chevalier, who are both nekkid and in bed. Topless men shot, intimate and romantic but not a sex scene.

Episode 7

• one post-coital sex scene with Philippe/the Chevalier and (possibly) some randomer, where the former two lounge in bed nekkid and the randomer strolls over from the fireplace. Nekkid randomer butt and brief Philippe nipple-touching from the Chevalier.  Not an actual sex scene.
• Philippe lounges nekkid in bed with a cover for modesty, then we see a brief flash of his thighs and backside (and other bits that are too quickly out of frame) as he is called to the King’s Circle and gets out of bed.
• A sex scene with Marchal/Beatrice – on the floor with Beatrice in his lap, her dress half on.  A bit of slapping and choking, plus thrusting.  Afterwards we see a topless Beatrice and a full shot of Fabien from the back, showing a nekkid butt.
• Another sex scene with Marchal and Beatrice – she is on the bed fully clothed, skirts up and legs apart, they partake of the potion (poison), mucho kissing and then coitus motions.

Episode 8

• not-really-a-sex-scene with Louis/Montespan, just them waking up in bed together

Episode 9

• about 21mins in, we see Louis in bed in the firelight, and Montespan drops her robe for him. There is naked butt, boobs, legs. The scene cuts away after some flirty banter, so it’s an implied sex scene.

Episode 10

• Louis leaves Montespan’s bed, bare-chested. Not a sex scene.

Most eps run for approximately 50mins so if you take into account the amount of time spent on these scenes, you can see the ‘sexiness’ is more implied throughout the show, rather than in actual minutes of sex on screen.